are questions something that cause problems or
do they spark conclusions and solve problems?
25 December, 2012
Questions: The Craving
Questions: The Right Treatment
Are questions something that cause problems or
do they spark conclusions and solve problems?
Does it make sense to know that someone will
treat you right but wonder if being together is right? Is more time needed to be sure either way?
Is it wrong to end things in fear feelings will not grow for you and you will hurt them even more? They can only fall harder no doubt if they have already, and if time goes on where their love grows and yours lessens, what is there that would be left to do? How do you avoid the hurt? Is it wrong to take the chance of finding something special? What if you just do not think it's right with them but you're scared you will never find someone that will treat you the same or even better? It's better than anything you've had before. You wouldn't have to settle for crying at night like you had done a millions times before. It's a good thing and he would do anything for you, you know it, but would you ever do the same for him?
Questions: Faded Ending
Are questions something that cause problems or
do they spark conclusions and solve problems?
You were a star. You were an angel, blessed by the realms of hell
bent satisfaction. What you were is only defined by destruction. I can’t say
you were all bad though. That’s why you filled my heart with a fire, but it
grew too hot too quick in all the wrong ways. You were a brave one for trying
me out as a game. I’m not one to mess with because I am an angel and I am in my
own ways perfection. I am the sticky side of the tape roll and if you are
caught by me you will be stuck there. There you can’t help but enjoy the ways
of my flawlessness. Could it be, though, that that is my one true flaw? Could
perfection be a flaw? You want to play me as a game then my true beauty
captures you and you fall in love, but that was not what you wanted, so you
decide you hate me and for that reason you decide to hurt me. Trying to
convince yourself you don’t care and just wait upon the day I mess up. In the
dark you’d leave, for a moment you look back, but I am too tired and asleep to
realize you want me to beg you to come back. So you leave me and it is what we
call a faded ending. We move on. Undeniably remembering what it was that we
did, where we went, what we had accomplished, and who we became together. A faded ending leaves me with so many questions that I think will never be answered, so because of that I do not know what lesson I had to learn but
I know that there is always a reason. Luck is something that may actually not
exist and that fate is what controls us, not luck. I hate you, but I have to thank you. And for that reason we are
blessed.
12 October, 2012
Dirty Language
Ass. Asshole. Fuck. Fucking. Mother Fucker. Bitch. Whore. Slut. Cunt. Sex. Shit. Bull Shit. Damn. Damn It. Exclamation Mark?
Are you appauled at this language? Some people are, maybe even most people. This type of language is looked down upon in schools and the work places; other times in homes or daycare facilities. Not saying they should not be looked down upon but are they not a part of the English language and our history? They are just words. While these words are unprofessional they all have meaning and many uses. Those meanings and uses can be determined by the person whom choses to use them. Though some are totally against any use of these words I think that when used at the appropriate times they can hold very powerful meaning and make a stronger statement. In a way it can make you look more cultured and, dare say it, maybe a little more educated. Be careful though because sometimes the use of the words are blown out of the water and abused. The words make you look ignorant and stupid. Never, ever, be caught like that. In this day and age you have to look smart to get a job. Don't get caught using these words with abuse. They are like children. They are like capitalizing in a sentence, or putting a period.
Are you appauled at this language? Some people are, maybe even most people. This type of language is looked down upon in schools and the work places; other times in homes or daycare facilities. Not saying they should not be looked down upon but are they not a part of the English language and our history? They are just words. While these words are unprofessional they all have meaning and many uses. Those meanings and uses can be determined by the person whom choses to use them. Though some are totally against any use of these words I think that when used at the appropriate times they can hold very powerful meaning and make a stronger statement. In a way it can make you look more cultured and, dare say it, maybe a little more educated. Be careful though because sometimes the use of the words are blown out of the water and abused. The words make you look ignorant and stupid. Never, ever, be caught like that. In this day and age you have to look smart to get a job. Don't get caught using these words with abuse. They are like children. They are like capitalizing in a sentence, or putting a period.
You're a Damaged Asshole.
Damaged. What does that even mean? What is damaged to a dictionary? Harm or injury to property or a person, resulting in loss of value or the impairment of usefulness (thefreedictionary.com). Could someone have summed it up better? Damaged like a vase. A glass vase that has been shattered on the floor. Now the pieces are left there to damaged something else. Is that not what usually happens? What has been damaged cannot just be fixed? If not why can it not be left alone to be damaged then? Why does it have to continue to cause damage to other things? Some of those things were perfect and fine. Some of those things were rare and precious. Some of those things were good and lovely. Now they are damaged and ugly. Now they are broken and disgraced. Now they are cursed and devalued. Though that is only what it has become and is viewed as, but maybe it is not the subject that is, maybe instead it is the verb. Damage is ugly. Damage is broken. Damage is disgraced. Damage is cursed. Damaged is devalued. Why do we not hold on to the subject and let it know that it is not the thing that is looked down upon, but instead it is the Damage that is receiving the shaking heads. Why do we not seem to care? Why do we not blame the action? Why blame the subject all the time? Damage has no feelings, the subject does.
02 October, 2012
Puppeteer of Our Past
It’s amazing
how things can trail along behind you with a little string and you barely even
notice it until every once in a while it trips you up. Then even still it’s
only a trip right? You haven’t completely fallen yet so why even pay attention.
You just keep walking like nothing is wrong, like nothing is there that might
sneak up behind you when you least expect it. Then again, why worry? Doesn’t
everyone else do that same thing and not really care about their past or what
they’ve done? They just let it follow, never taking notice in it and going on with their lives. In this day and age it's pretty easy to do. The world is run by the clock and every second counts. But what about that string? When you trip up doesn't that set you back on your timing? Why not call a time out to revisit what is tied to the other end of that string so you can finally be free from whatever it is. That would be the smartest thing to do, right? Why would you do it any different? Though, sometimes maybe it just takes us the complete fall, with broken bones and stitches, to realize that maybe it's time to get rid of that string wrapped around our ankles.
Losing. Lost.
So have you
ever done something that had ruined something that was seemingly so perfect?
Have you worn the guilt like a boulder on your shoulders? It’s like you want to
talk about it and possibly fix it but things have been okay since the incident
and you don’t want to bring up issues that happened maybe months ago? It may
even seem like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but to someone that thing hurt them.
Then because of that thing things just aren’t how they used to be. Sometimes
you get so close to it being good again but then next thing you know it’s like
nothing is there. All you want is for it to be good again but you don’t know
what to do. Maybe all this time since the incident you’ve been pretending and
so now it can’t be fixed even if you tried. Like in the back of their mind they
have made up their mind that this is all you are ever going to be and you no
longer mean as much to them as you did. Maybe you should stop waiting around
for something to happen when it’s not and make the move to have the talk. Maybe
it could end up good and make the relationship stronger. Sometimes trust can be
diminished but it is not totally lost, therefore you can gain it back. Trust,
is probably the biggest issue after an incident happens. Then maybe set a time
period of when you expect things to be getting better and if they are not at
least starting to be better then you know to end it and move on. That’s just
how it is, and I suppose how it should be either way. This could go for any
relationship: a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, daughter, son,
sister, brother, or any other person you may come into contact with and have
some kind of relationship with them.
30 September, 2012
A Million Dollar Coin Toss
Imagine having a million pennies thrown up into the air. That's ten thousand dollars. That could be worth a little something something, no? Well, would you throw that all up in the air if you knew that there was a possiblity that all of those pennies would float above your head out of reach, not knowing how long it would be before they would fall back down? And if they ever did fall back down, what was the garatee that you would be able to retrieve them all yourself?
I don't think many people would do that when you put it like that, but many people do that everyday. I am one of those people. In our minds, maybe on a piece of paper, we all have a plan. A plan for our future. A plan as far as what we want as far as goal and what things we want to achieve, and/or what we'll do with our friend. For a long time we hold all of those plans to such a high standard and are so proud. Then all of a sudden, something happens, something comes along and for some reason we throw our plans out the window. We hardly think of our plans we had and we make a new plan, but often that plan is a day by day plan. Then another (often terrible) thing happens and we are lost not knowing what to do. We threw away our old plan and this new plan to live day by day has messed up your thought process. You are so confused on what to do. Do you try to hold on to this new way of life or try to start over on the plan you had before that you thought seemed to work so well? But if it really worked so well, why did you throw it away? So is it better to live day by day or have a plan for the year, or the next up coming years?
If you have a good understanding of what I am talking about maybe you can relate to wanting to go back to the old plan, but you can't. Why can't you? Well because you've changed. Maybe living day by day taught you things that when having a plan you lost track of. Like having real feelings. You know those extreme feelings. Where you cry you're eyes out or scream your head off when you're angry. Or like how to relate to people, have fun, and enjoy life more. It's hard to find a balance of planning when you just want to let go and let things roll.
Another reason you can't go back to your original plan, is maybe you just did somethings you can't undo. You lived day by day and did things that were the complete opposite direction you were going in before. You grew into that life style, so how do you go back after that? It's a hard answer to come to and I can't give that answer. Why? Because that answer is different for everyone.
Why do I bring up this subject, well because that's what I'm currently going through. Life has many different phases and right now my pennies are up in the air. My pennies are high, high up in the air. I'm scared to see where they will fall. I want to go back to my original plan, but I really can't. I have done things that I can't undo and I have learned things that I don't want to forget.
So my advice is: If you have a plan revise it for more freedom. If you live day by day, make a plan. Find a balance before you throw your pennies.
I don't think many people would do that when you put it like that, but many people do that everyday. I am one of those people. In our minds, maybe on a piece of paper, we all have a plan. A plan for our future. A plan as far as what we want as far as goal and what things we want to achieve, and/or what we'll do with our friend. For a long time we hold all of those plans to such a high standard and are so proud. Then all of a sudden, something happens, something comes along and for some reason we throw our plans out the window. We hardly think of our plans we had and we make a new plan, but often that plan is a day by day plan. Then another (often terrible) thing happens and we are lost not knowing what to do. We threw away our old plan and this new plan to live day by day has messed up your thought process. You are so confused on what to do. Do you try to hold on to this new way of life or try to start over on the plan you had before that you thought seemed to work so well? But if it really worked so well, why did you throw it away? So is it better to live day by day or have a plan for the year, or the next up coming years?
If you have a good understanding of what I am talking about maybe you can relate to wanting to go back to the old plan, but you can't. Why can't you? Well because you've changed. Maybe living day by day taught you things that when having a plan you lost track of. Like having real feelings. You know those extreme feelings. Where you cry you're eyes out or scream your head off when you're angry. Or like how to relate to people, have fun, and enjoy life more. It's hard to find a balance of planning when you just want to let go and let things roll.
Another reason you can't go back to your original plan, is maybe you just did somethings you can't undo. You lived day by day and did things that were the complete opposite direction you were going in before. You grew into that life style, so how do you go back after that? It's a hard answer to come to and I can't give that answer. Why? Because that answer is different for everyone.
Why do I bring up this subject, well because that's what I'm currently going through. Life has many different phases and right now my pennies are up in the air. My pennies are high, high up in the air. I'm scared to see where they will fall. I want to go back to my original plan, but I really can't. I have done things that I can't undo and I have learned things that I don't want to forget.
So my advice is: If you have a plan revise it for more freedom. If you live day by day, make a plan. Find a balance before you throw your pennies.
21 September, 2012
The Screaming
Seventeen is a dream enough but to have someone you are so comfortable with. After the parties we go back to his place. His stepdad though is not always the kindest. He just doesn't like girls in his house I suppose. I was on my lovers back giving him a massage. I'm good at those and after a late night of action I would love to hilp him relax. Then all of a sudden we hear a scream. This scream was probably the worst kind of painful, fearful scream you could hear in a little dream. My lover picked up his phone and checked it. The text was from his mom. I sat off to the side of him while he read the text trying to figure out what to do. All the while you could hear yelling from his stepdad, and his mom crying and screaming. Oh, that terrible scream. Finally the screaming stopped, but then all you heard was crying and his stepdad continuing to yell. So my lover decided he was going to go down to check up on his mom. I laid down and chilled under the covers on his bed. But his stepdad met him down at the bottom of the stairs. He just starts going off "Is that girl still here?" then he looks up and looks me dead in eye then he continues going off. "I thought so. You said you were taking her home! All you do is fuck bitches. You want to fuck 151 bitches and last year, your Junior year you fucked 142 bitches. And most of them not one at a time." And he just continues to go off.
16 September, 2012
Strong Wondering
What is going on between us? Maybe he did change his mind, he changed it quick. Maybe there was something but now maybe he turns the switch on and off. All because I possibly bent the trust he had in me. I proved that no matter how good you were you could still say and do such terrible things. But was it really that bad? I don't really think so, but I'm sure it hurt him.
But now it's like...
He won't kiss me in front of anyone. He had kissed me in front of his mom, he had kissed me at prom and in front of his friends.
We used to talk for hours and now it's like we don't talk at all.
He won't hold my hand in public, but he used to.
And I feel like I can't touch him in public with out feeling like he's mentally shrugging me off.
Though all those things used to happen. He had kissed me, he held my hand and we really used to talk a lot through text. Then again, that was all before we had our fight..
Still we been talking for 5 months. I just wish he'd tel me what's up. And I still wonder what his mom thinks. I hate feeling like everyone is being blind sided, including myself.
But now it's like...
He won't kiss me in front of anyone. He had kissed me in front of his mom, he had kissed me at prom and in front of his friends.
We used to talk for hours and now it's like we don't talk at all.
He won't hold my hand in public, but he used to.
And I feel like I can't touch him in public with out feeling like he's mentally shrugging me off.
Though all those things used to happen. He had kissed me, he held my hand and we really used to talk a lot through text. Then again, that was all before we had our fight..
Still we been talking for 5 months. I just wish he'd tel me what's up. And I still wonder what his mom thinks. I hate feeling like everyone is being blind sided, including myself.
26 August, 2012
Being A Good Girl
Being A Good Girl.
How did I get here? I don't know how I got this far with this one guy. Does he even like me? Is it just for the sex? His mom is always one to smile now when I come over and says hi. Is that weird? We're not even dating. I hate to start liking his family and his mom to like me if nothing is ever going to happen between us and if he's only using me to have sex.
We been talking for almost five months and I really don't know where this is going or if it's even going on at all. I want to like him. I want to be everything for him and to him. I want to be that girl for him that his friends will get jealous of. I want to be that girl. That girl for him. But I know I have to keep my distance emotionally.
If it is just for sex I wish he'd just break it off. Why keep my around? I was a virgin. He had to wait a pretty long while before I finally gave in. Why would you try so hard to get a girl to do that? There are plenty of girls readily there for you to go mess around with. Less chance of stds when doing it with a virgin? But really why? If you didn't want to be with the girl, why would you try so hard to get in her pants? Is there really a huge fascination with being a girl's first? Why would you want to be that? He will be the one she will always remember. Like if you want to be a girls first you better make sure you want to take on that responsibility.
I haven't talked to anyone else. Even when I was drunk I stayed faithful. Faithful to what I'm not even sure. I just know I don't want to be that girl. I don't know how much he likes me or if he even does at all. But I know that if he does I don't want to be the one to hurt him. I just wish things were more clear. It is hard to be a good girl when you are so unsure of everything. But I am. Like I said I want to be that girl for him.
He isn't the best guy ever and sometimes he can be a little jerky, say things, and do things that I don't like, but other times I'm like hmm this guy has something going for him. He's still young and in some areas of life I think he might be just a little mislead. Still I'm there. He's kind of something special to me. He's been a lot of my firsts. First kiss, first time. He has been the first guy that isn't in my family to go to one of my dance recitals. He was my date to prom and I have never had a date to any dance before. But besides the firsts, I've become pretty comfortable around him. I'd say it's the first time I've met a guy's parents. We are able to hang out all day and I think it's an enjoyable time. I think he looks forward to when we'll see each other next. I tell him I miss him and he will say it back. He kisses me in front of his friends. One thing that surprised me is his manners. Anywhere he will usually get the door.
I hang out with him, his mom and his brother sometimes. We all went out to dinner one night. It was kind of cheap but it was still dinner. His mom seems to like me. I like her too. She's really nice and funny. I just don't want to get close to some one's family when we're just talking. We been talking for a long kind of a long time but still, we're just talking.
I still feel like there is something between us. Sometimes I wonder if it is just his ego and if he would ever admit to liking me like a lot and wanting to date. I don't know what else to do at this point. I don't want to push him away but I feel like if I don't push at all it's going to continue like this and never progress in to anything.
I'd like to go out with him to a party again. I'd like to see if he still calls me a friend. I know I'm not your girlfriend but I'd say we're a little more than friends.
There are just so many things I want to ask him about right now. But I'm scared to. I guess if I'm just someone he wanted to mess around with then okay, I'm done. But if he really does like me still doesn't want to date officially then I'm going to be like what the heck? I don't know if I could see him really getting over his ego though and making it official.
I wonder why not? Because he's said it before. I didn't think much of it then because we had just started talking, but now I'm really wondering. Why not date? Is he scared of something? Does he for some reason not trust me? I don't know.
How did I get here? I don't know how I got this far with this one guy. Does he even like me? Is it just for the sex? His mom is always one to smile now when I come over and says hi. Is that weird? We're not even dating. I hate to start liking his family and his mom to like me if nothing is ever going to happen between us and if he's only using me to have sex.
We been talking for almost five months and I really don't know where this is going or if it's even going on at all. I want to like him. I want to be everything for him and to him. I want to be that girl for him that his friends will get jealous of. I want to be that girl. That girl for him. But I know I have to keep my distance emotionally.
If it is just for sex I wish he'd just break it off. Why keep my around? I was a virgin. He had to wait a pretty long while before I finally gave in. Why would you try so hard to get a girl to do that? There are plenty of girls readily there for you to go mess around with. Less chance of stds when doing it with a virgin? But really why? If you didn't want to be with the girl, why would you try so hard to get in her pants? Is there really a huge fascination with being a girl's first? Why would you want to be that? He will be the one she will always remember. Like if you want to be a girls first you better make sure you want to take on that responsibility.
I haven't talked to anyone else. Even when I was drunk I stayed faithful. Faithful to what I'm not even sure. I just know I don't want to be that girl. I don't know how much he likes me or if he even does at all. But I know that if he does I don't want to be the one to hurt him. I just wish things were more clear. It is hard to be a good girl when you are so unsure of everything. But I am. Like I said I want to be that girl for him.
He isn't the best guy ever and sometimes he can be a little jerky, say things, and do things that I don't like, but other times I'm like hmm this guy has something going for him. He's still young and in some areas of life I think he might be just a little mislead. Still I'm there. He's kind of something special to me. He's been a lot of my firsts. First kiss, first time. He has been the first guy that isn't in my family to go to one of my dance recitals. He was my date to prom and I have never had a date to any dance before. But besides the firsts, I've become pretty comfortable around him. I'd say it's the first time I've met a guy's parents. We are able to hang out all day and I think it's an enjoyable time. I think he looks forward to when we'll see each other next. I tell him I miss him and he will say it back. He kisses me in front of his friends. One thing that surprised me is his manners. Anywhere he will usually get the door.
I hang out with him, his mom and his brother sometimes. We all went out to dinner one night. It was kind of cheap but it was still dinner. His mom seems to like me. I like her too. She's really nice and funny. I just don't want to get close to some one's family when we're just talking. We been talking for a long kind of a long time but still, we're just talking.
I still feel like there is something between us. Sometimes I wonder if it is just his ego and if he would ever admit to liking me like a lot and wanting to date. I don't know what else to do at this point. I don't want to push him away but I feel like if I don't push at all it's going to continue like this and never progress in to anything.
I'd like to go out with him to a party again. I'd like to see if he still calls me a friend. I know I'm not your girlfriend but I'd say we're a little more than friends.
There are just so many things I want to ask him about right now. But I'm scared to. I guess if I'm just someone he wanted to mess around with then okay, I'm done. But if he really does like me still doesn't want to date officially then I'm going to be like what the heck? I don't know if I could see him really getting over his ego though and making it official.
I wonder why not? Because he's said it before. I didn't think much of it then because we had just started talking, but now I'm really wondering. Why not date? Is he scared of something? Does he for some reason not trust me? I don't know.
11 July, 2012
Moral Of the Story
This image is one I think a number of people may have seen and even agree with it because they've experienced it. I had seen it before having sex and it surprised me that when I had sex he was the one to put at least some of my clothes on.
Maybe it doesnt' mean anything. Maybe it does mean something. I just thought I'd share that. Maybe I'm making some people feel a little jealous. Well, my sexual encounters so far have actually been surprisingly good, though at times puzzling and odd.
I Want Him To Want Me Love Him
I don't know if anyone else has run into the guy who won't just make you his girlfriend. What are some reasons he won't just make it official? Is he just a player? Does he not want a commitment because he wants to be able to flirt with other girls freely? Or is he actually afraid? Maybe he was hurt before in the past and now has a hard time trusting, even if he really likes you. It's hard to tell waht a guys true motivations are for his actions sometimes.
I have a burning desire to just ask. Yet, I don't ask. I guess I want to ask in a way where I won't be accusing him of anything negative. Even though I really believe he really does like me. Who knows he could just be enjoying what is being giving to him? Maybe he's just accepting the now while waiting for the next best thing that comes along. I really doubt it. I have a pretty strong gut feeling that he's actually scared. Maybe it's some kind of insecurities he has inside or some other insecurities he has with society being judgemental.
The type of guy that knows tons of people. It's clear he's always been pretty good at socializing. If you were to put him in a room with a complete stranger I'm sure he could have them being friends within a few hours. While I find this totally endearing about him, it also worries me, because while he can conversate and know tons of guy friends, he also knows a lot of girls. There have been no real signs that he is serious with anyone else. Not even just one nighting, though he does go out and party a lot. It sounds like he just goes to have fun himself and be with his dudes. I'll ask him about his week and he'll tell me what he did and it's always some crazy stories. I don't feel like he holds much back. And why do I feel like he doesn't hold much back? Well, because there is nothing to hold back. He just went and partied hard like a dude.
Maybe it's just him but I'm not sure I know too many guys that would really ask what you want to do, "Wanna see a movie, stay in and watch a movie, or go out with some people?" I'm not sure I know to many guys that would go to a dance recital either. That's a bit of a girly thing and enless you actually liked the person I'm sure you wouldn't go, you'd find some kind of excuse not to go. He skipped soccer and had to bring along his brother. Why the trouble? And I'm not sure how many player type guys would kiss you on the forehead. What guy would let you cry on their shoulder if he didn't like you and care about you? I dont' know. I think you'd have to be the most cold hearted person to lead a girl on that much. And I'm sorry but he is just not that mean.
He actually seems kind of sensitive. Everytime I'm with him, alone, or even in public, I am surprised by what I learn about him. I am constantly surprised on little things he says or does. It's a good surprise. I just hope he's sincere.
There's just that one thing. And that's when we go out and someone asks if we're together. I just stand their usually and let him answer and he says, "Oh we're friends." Okay really we're friends? I get that we're not boyfriend and girlfriend but to call us friends is crazy. Especially when a guy is asking and you tell him "we're friends." Does he not realize I am an attractive girl and he basically just gave everyone in that room permission to flirt with me because we're not together or anything, "we're jsut friends." It doesn't sit right with me. I'm cool with the relationship we have right now. I don't care about labels. I've never been to big with boyfriend/girlfriend things myself, but seriously we got to find a creative way to say we're like together. If we are, I guess, to say. We have been talking and we hang out a lot. My friends wonder why we are officially together because we do everything that a boyfriend-girlfriend couple would do.
I worry that even if I gave him all the space in the world he would have a feeling of being trapped if I asked him to be in a relationship that he didn't want to be in. I think he likes me but those labels are just not his thing. I don't think he wants to be thought of someone else's but his own. Yet he's called me "babe", "baby", "my love", and "my girl." Though I think I even pushed him back a few steps when one time he said "I wuv you" and I told him not to say that.
Still we kiss. I've met his mom before. We had gone to prom together even. He has asked what my parents thought of him though he has never really gotten a chance to meet them. I've spent the night at his house several times. It's coming to that three month mark, which is when a lot of guys stop talking to me. It's getting to a make or break point and I now have a lot of questions about what is really going on between us. Does he really like me? What is really holding him back from making it official?
I have a burning desire to just ask. Yet, I don't ask. I guess I want to ask in a way where I won't be accusing him of anything negative. Even though I really believe he really does like me. Who knows he could just be enjoying what is being giving to him? Maybe he's just accepting the now while waiting for the next best thing that comes along. I really doubt it. I have a pretty strong gut feeling that he's actually scared. Maybe it's some kind of insecurities he has inside or some other insecurities he has with society being judgemental.
The type of guy that knows tons of people. It's clear he's always been pretty good at socializing. If you were to put him in a room with a complete stranger I'm sure he could have them being friends within a few hours. While I find this totally endearing about him, it also worries me, because while he can conversate and know tons of guy friends, he also knows a lot of girls. There have been no real signs that he is serious with anyone else. Not even just one nighting, though he does go out and party a lot. It sounds like he just goes to have fun himself and be with his dudes. I'll ask him about his week and he'll tell me what he did and it's always some crazy stories. I don't feel like he holds much back. And why do I feel like he doesn't hold much back? Well, because there is nothing to hold back. He just went and partied hard like a dude.
Maybe it's just him but I'm not sure I know too many guys that would really ask what you want to do, "Wanna see a movie, stay in and watch a movie, or go out with some people?" I'm not sure I know to many guys that would go to a dance recital either. That's a bit of a girly thing and enless you actually liked the person I'm sure you wouldn't go, you'd find some kind of excuse not to go. He skipped soccer and had to bring along his brother. Why the trouble? And I'm not sure how many player type guys would kiss you on the forehead. What guy would let you cry on their shoulder if he didn't like you and care about you? I dont' know. I think you'd have to be the most cold hearted person to lead a girl on that much. And I'm sorry but he is just not that mean.
He actually seems kind of sensitive. Everytime I'm with him, alone, or even in public, I am surprised by what I learn about him. I am constantly surprised on little things he says or does. It's a good surprise. I just hope he's sincere.
There's just that one thing. And that's when we go out and someone asks if we're together. I just stand their usually and let him answer and he says, "Oh we're friends." Okay really we're friends? I get that we're not boyfriend and girlfriend but to call us friends is crazy. Especially when a guy is asking and you tell him "we're friends." Does he not realize I am an attractive girl and he basically just gave everyone in that room permission to flirt with me because we're not together or anything, "we're jsut friends." It doesn't sit right with me. I'm cool with the relationship we have right now. I don't care about labels. I've never been to big with boyfriend/girlfriend things myself, but seriously we got to find a creative way to say we're like together. If we are, I guess, to say. We have been talking and we hang out a lot. My friends wonder why we are officially together because we do everything that a boyfriend-girlfriend couple would do.
I worry that even if I gave him all the space in the world he would have a feeling of being trapped if I asked him to be in a relationship that he didn't want to be in. I think he likes me but those labels are just not his thing. I don't think he wants to be thought of someone else's but his own. Yet he's called me "babe", "baby", "my love", and "my girl." Though I think I even pushed him back a few steps when one time he said "I wuv you" and I told him not to say that.
Still we kiss. I've met his mom before. We had gone to prom together even. He has asked what my parents thought of him though he has never really gotten a chance to meet them. I've spent the night at his house several times. It's coming to that three month mark, which is when a lot of guys stop talking to me. It's getting to a make or break point and I now have a lot of questions about what is really going on between us. Does he really like me? What is really holding him back from making it official?
06 July, 2012
A Good Relationship Doesn't Need A Prince Charming
No I'm not in a relationship, but being "together" with this guy has made me think about what I want in a relationship. Most girls would say, "Oh I want roses on Valentine's Day" "He would hold all the doors open for me" "He'd carry me over puddles so my feet don't get wet" "We'd write notes to each other and sign 'I Love You'" "We'd text each other good morning and good night" and the list goes on, I'm sure you know.
Honestly, I hate roses. I think they are so cliche. Roses are traditional and classy. I'm not exactly traditional or classy, so please keep roses away from me. Holding open the door is just something a guy should do, but there is no need for him to get out of the car, walk to the other side and open it for you. Ladies you CAN show some independence. So the carrying over the puddles was a bit over the top, but I'm sure some of you are like "Oh he'd be my prince charming," sorry honey that will never happen. Notes are cool and all, but not something needed. Good morning and good night really? What if one of you has to get up really early for work and the other wants to sleep in, but you don't know so the one who gets up early texts "Good Morning" and wakes the other one up and then you're mad at each other and a fight starts? That's not a good thing.
Yes I'm exaggerating things a little, but some people would be like that. Girls have CRAZY ideas of what there perfect guy would be. Blue Eyes. Green Eyes. Dark Hair. Short-Spikey Hair. Tall. Muscular. Athletic. Smart. Just some physical aspects. Hilarious. Keeps me smiling. Takes me on romantic dates. Walks on the beach. Watching the stars.
I'm not saying all these are bad. Yeah, those things would be lovely, but I don't think we should DEMAND those things. I think we get to the idea where if these things don't happen right off the bat that they never will or that the guy is just not the right one. Every relationship is different. Everyone is going to want to do different things at different times. Some couples go fast. Some couples go slow. That doesn't make the relationship any better or worse.
One of the cutest couples I know: this boy and this girl. I met them at a party before a while ago. They aren't the most attractive people, though I do think the girl is pretty. They drink. They smoke. They party. They do it together. I think it is the cutest thing. I feel they really love each other. Yes they are in high school and maybe it won't last, but I think for now they are perfect for each other. They're so adorable.
Let's see. What DO I want? I'd have to say it really doesn't matter what he looks like. I can't pin point what he MUST look like. I'm kind of picky when it comes to how he looks. Must look good. I tend not to like white guys but they're not excluded either. Eyes, no color preference. I just need to love his eyes. Eyes are like the most important part of the face. I'm harsh in judging peoples noses. Lips, can't be too small or too big. A guys hair: I hate when it's really long. Am I dating a guy or a girl? Come on dude get a haircut. I like a dude with a nice body, just nice is fine. Nothing too over the top like G.I. Joe or something.
I want someone who will make conversation when I get quiet. I want someone who will let me love them. I want someone who really loves their family. I like guys who have good values but will have fun. I'd be nice if we both believed in Christ. I'd like a guy who would go on walks with me. I like adventurous, spontaneous guys who will get me up off my butt and go out to do things. I want a guy that will support me in the little things I dabble in. It would be nice to maybe be with someone who wants to go into business like me. We could learn and help each other with our goals. I want a guy who can look at a play boy magazine and then look at me and think I should be on that cover instead. I want a guy who is kind of athletic but doesn't shape his life around sports. I want to be able to sit on the couch with him and have just as good a time as if we had gone out. I want a guy who will kiss me in front of anyone at any time. Who will hold my hand in public. I want a guy who will inspire me to go to new places and try new things. I want a guy who will love the same whether I'm naked or all dressed up. I want a guy who thinks I look amazing with no makeup on and now matter what my hair looks like. I just want a guy who will make me better and who I can make better, just by being together.
Honestly, I hate roses. I think they are so cliche. Roses are traditional and classy. I'm not exactly traditional or classy, so please keep roses away from me. Holding open the door is just something a guy should do, but there is no need for him to get out of the car, walk to the other side and open it for you. Ladies you CAN show some independence. So the carrying over the puddles was a bit over the top, but I'm sure some of you are like "Oh he'd be my prince charming," sorry honey that will never happen. Notes are cool and all, but not something needed. Good morning and good night really? What if one of you has to get up really early for work and the other wants to sleep in, but you don't know so the one who gets up early texts "Good Morning" and wakes the other one up and then you're mad at each other and a fight starts? That's not a good thing.
Yes I'm exaggerating things a little, but some people would be like that. Girls have CRAZY ideas of what there perfect guy would be. Blue Eyes. Green Eyes. Dark Hair. Short-Spikey Hair. Tall. Muscular. Athletic. Smart. Just some physical aspects. Hilarious. Keeps me smiling. Takes me on romantic dates. Walks on the beach. Watching the stars.
I'm not saying all these are bad. Yeah, those things would be lovely, but I don't think we should DEMAND those things. I think we get to the idea where if these things don't happen right off the bat that they never will or that the guy is just not the right one. Every relationship is different. Everyone is going to want to do different things at different times. Some couples go fast. Some couples go slow. That doesn't make the relationship any better or worse.
One of the cutest couples I know: this boy and this girl. I met them at a party before a while ago. They aren't the most attractive people, though I do think the girl is pretty. They drink. They smoke. They party. They do it together. I think it is the cutest thing. I feel they really love each other. Yes they are in high school and maybe it won't last, but I think for now they are perfect for each other. They're so adorable.
Let's see. What DO I want? I'd have to say it really doesn't matter what he looks like. I can't pin point what he MUST look like. I'm kind of picky when it comes to how he looks. Must look good. I tend not to like white guys but they're not excluded either. Eyes, no color preference. I just need to love his eyes. Eyes are like the most important part of the face. I'm harsh in judging peoples noses. Lips, can't be too small or too big. A guys hair: I hate when it's really long. Am I dating a guy or a girl? Come on dude get a haircut. I like a dude with a nice body, just nice is fine. Nothing too over the top like G.I. Joe or something.
I want someone who will make conversation when I get quiet. I want someone who will let me love them. I want someone who really loves their family. I like guys who have good values but will have fun. I'd be nice if we both believed in Christ. I'd like a guy who would go on walks with me. I like adventurous, spontaneous guys who will get me up off my butt and go out to do things. I want a guy that will support me in the little things I dabble in. It would be nice to maybe be with someone who wants to go into business like me. We could learn and help each other with our goals. I want a guy who can look at a play boy magazine and then look at me and think I should be on that cover instead. I want a guy who is kind of athletic but doesn't shape his life around sports. I want to be able to sit on the couch with him and have just as good a time as if we had gone out. I want a guy who will kiss me in front of anyone at any time. Who will hold my hand in public. I want a guy who will inspire me to go to new places and try new things. I want a guy who will love the same whether I'm naked or all dressed up. I want a guy who thinks I look amazing with no makeup on and now matter what my hair looks like. I just want a guy who will make me better and who I can make better, just by being together.
Missing Red Wallet
How does a fairly large red wallet just disappear? I'm tell you I don't understand. How does it disappear out of a huge purse?
I'm missing my red wallet and the contents inside: $15 dollars and some odd change, driver's license, kings island season pass, and my $50 dollar gift card to Forever 21! It sucks! I'm not even freaking about the actual cash I'm freaking about the gift card, season pass which was $100 dollars and I've only gone twice so far, and my license. I need those things like they're necessary. I'm going to Florida for vacation soon and would like to get some new clothes for the trip. Now I have no money and I shouldn't really be driving without my license with me. I'm going to have to call Kings Island to see what I can do to get me a new pass. I'm not spending anymore money at that place I mean dang, that's expensive.
The last time I saw this precious wallet was after I took a walk Monday June 25th. I had taken my money with me encase I wanted to stop somewhere to get something. I took the wallet out of my purse and stuffed my 15 dollars back in it. Then put it in my middle zipper compartment of my purse, where it belongs! That night I took my purse with me just in case I'd need my money for going out with the guy I'm talking to. We were in his car that night I kind of stuffed it under my seat because I don't like things around my feet. Then we went to his house and I just set it at the end of his bed; the same place I always put my bag when I'm over there. I never got into my purse for anything that night. I asked him if he had seen it anywhere. He said he looked and he hasn't seen it. When I came home from that day I had thrown my bag on my bed. I've checked everywhere on my bed and I haven't seen it at all. I don't understand how I can't find a red wallet. It's red! My room is mostly brown, I think I'd be able to find a red wallet.
Maybe my purse ate it...Things have gone missing in that thing. I don't know how a huge wallet just would disappear. I must shake my head at these crazy happenings. Well now I got a new, blue, small wallet. I need to call Kings Island to get a new pass. I need to call the DMV to get a new license. And well I need to party so I can find some guys to get me some new clothes for Florida. Boys, we tell then, get your money up!
I'm missing my red wallet and the contents inside: $15 dollars and some odd change, driver's license, kings island season pass, and my $50 dollar gift card to Forever 21! It sucks! I'm not even freaking about the actual cash I'm freaking about the gift card, season pass which was $100 dollars and I've only gone twice so far, and my license. I need those things like they're necessary. I'm going to Florida for vacation soon and would like to get some new clothes for the trip. Now I have no money and I shouldn't really be driving without my license with me. I'm going to have to call Kings Island to see what I can do to get me a new pass. I'm not spending anymore money at that place I mean dang, that's expensive.
The last time I saw this precious wallet was after I took a walk Monday June 25th. I had taken my money with me encase I wanted to stop somewhere to get something. I took the wallet out of my purse and stuffed my 15 dollars back in it. Then put it in my middle zipper compartment of my purse, where it belongs! That night I took my purse with me just in case I'd need my money for going out with the guy I'm talking to. We were in his car that night I kind of stuffed it under my seat because I don't like things around my feet. Then we went to his house and I just set it at the end of his bed; the same place I always put my bag when I'm over there. I never got into my purse for anything that night. I asked him if he had seen it anywhere. He said he looked and he hasn't seen it. When I came home from that day I had thrown my bag on my bed. I've checked everywhere on my bed and I haven't seen it at all. I don't understand how I can't find a red wallet. It's red! My room is mostly brown, I think I'd be able to find a red wallet.
Maybe my purse ate it...Things have gone missing in that thing. I don't know how a huge wallet just would disappear. I must shake my head at these crazy happenings. Well now I got a new, blue, small wallet. I need to call Kings Island to get a new pass. I need to call the DMV to get a new license. And well I need to party so I can find some guys to get me some new clothes for Florida. Boys, we tell then, get your money up!
11 June, 2012
It Won't Bring Him Back
While I think it is mostly true guys only want sex but they will actually like a girl everyone in a while. Maybe he won't cry over you. He may not show he cares 24/7, but every once in awhile he will hint at his feelngs. That's how guys are. With that being said, I think that if all a guy wants is sex if you offer it to him, he won't pass up the opportunity. Then what about if he actually likes you? If he actually liked you sex is not going to bring him back. Yes, you may have had sex, but that was his way of showing his love and just getting closer to you. If he no longer likes you he won't want to have sex with you, because before that was his way of loving you, now he doesn't love you. He might have sex with you again, but it will mean nothing and the only reason he does is because you're still there to give it to. It's terrrible to think this is how the world will work, but just think about it and it makes total sense.
03 June, 2012
Love: God and Jesus
I feel like asking people what are their thoughts on love...but it's awkward asking a guy because I don't want them to think I'm asking because I want to know if they love me. Actually the opposite. What are your thoughts on love? Because I am and always will stick with saying: Love does not exist on this earth. Why? Because the only true definition is Jesus and his Father. Jesus came to earth and left he is gone, so therefore love is gone. Satan has invaded the earth and took a pretty strong hold of God's creation I think. Which has caused humans to form an idea of love which is false. The only real, true love is Love which is God and his Son, Jesus. But because of the Devil we have come up with the meaning of love being sex and marriage. When I say marriage I don't mean "in holy matrimony" marriage. I'm talking "let's spend thousands of dollars on: engagement ring, wedding rings, the dress, the tux, the venue,etc." marriage and then get divorced after 3 months to a year. We think we can love someone of the same sex, we think we can love our cars and our possessions as much as a person. That is crazy.
Who am I to say this? Well really I'm no one. I'm not saying I understand love, because I don't. Love is unexplainable because God is unexplainable. He shows up in weird, unexpected ways and changes your life forever. I'd say that's love. But sometimes he is not unexpected, so I contradict myself. The only meaning of love is Love: God and Jesus. And I say Amen to that.
Who am I to say this? Well really I'm no one. I'm not saying I understand love, because I don't. Love is unexplainable because God is unexplainable. He shows up in weird, unexpected ways and changes your life forever. I'd say that's love. But sometimes he is not unexpected, so I contradict myself. The only meaning of love is Love: God and Jesus. And I say Amen to that.
24 May, 2012
"Please Welcome Change to the Stage."
Changes.
I feel like I talk about change a lot, but it also happens a lot.
I think it is crazy how people will be so quick to dismiss you when they think you have changed. Well when I met you years ago, yes, you should expect someone to change. People can change their minds on topics, they can change their style, they can change their outlooks on life, they can change their views, they can change what they like and dislike. It just happens. It is a part of life.
Some people just can't take change I guess. Which is sad, because it leaves me wondering how they have made it as far as they have. How do they get by when things change? They run from it, don't they? Which is so sad. They are going to get major smacked when they get out in the world. When they get a job and that job has to transfer locations or change a policy they are going to freak out!
So tell me: are you ready for the change that is coming? Did you know change happens everyday? You don't know what will happen next. Are you going to be prepared when tomorrow brings change? They day will change, the hour will change, the sun's position in the sky will change. So, can you handle it?
When someone changes are you gonna run? What happened to "we'll be together through thick and thin"? Running away from change isn't going to make it better? You just have to take it as it comes. It makes you stronger. Change will always make you stronger.
Change can be negative, though, but it can also be positive. Sometimes it's both.
Change won't take a bow when you go to bed. It only takes a break to you consciousness until you wake up and it will be back to center stage, staring you in the face, laughing in the speakers, loud and clear.
I feel like I talk about change a lot, but it also happens a lot.
I think it is crazy how people will be so quick to dismiss you when they think you have changed. Well when I met you years ago, yes, you should expect someone to change. People can change their minds on topics, they can change their style, they can change their outlooks on life, they can change their views, they can change what they like and dislike. It just happens. It is a part of life.
Some people just can't take change I guess. Which is sad, because it leaves me wondering how they have made it as far as they have. How do they get by when things change? They run from it, don't they? Which is so sad. They are going to get major smacked when they get out in the world. When they get a job and that job has to transfer locations or change a policy they are going to freak out!
So tell me: are you ready for the change that is coming? Did you know change happens everyday? You don't know what will happen next. Are you going to be prepared when tomorrow brings change? They day will change, the hour will change, the sun's position in the sky will change. So, can you handle it?
When someone changes are you gonna run? What happened to "we'll be together through thick and thin"? Running away from change isn't going to make it better? You just have to take it as it comes. It makes you stronger. Change will always make you stronger.
Change can be negative, though, but it can also be positive. Sometimes it's both.
Change won't take a bow when you go to bed. It only takes a break to you consciousness until you wake up and it will be back to center stage, staring you in the face, laughing in the speakers, loud and clear.
21 May, 2012
Warning:Pregnancy
Honestly I have been freaking out since I have officially kissed a boy. About what? Pregnancy. Why? Because it seems like everything I have wrong with me could be a possible sign of pregnancy. I had a loss of appetite, then I had odd cravings and I couldn't eat normal food because it would make me sick, then I got a cold sore. Did you know cold sores could be a sign of pregnancy? I didn't. I guess because of hormones. What else? I don't know there were a few other things.
Obviously I'm not pregnant. My period is always random, but I have had it. And I haven't even done anything with a guy so why am I worried? Well, I guess I should just take it as a sign to be really careful. YOU BE CAREFUL TOO! A baby can be a blessing, but it can also make like very hard. Enless you are truly prepared for that resposibility, please be careful and take appropriate measures to avoid something you may regret.
Obviously I'm not pregnant. My period is always random, but I have had it. And I haven't even done anything with a guy so why am I worried? Well, I guess I should just take it as a sign to be really careful. YOU BE CAREFUL TOO! A baby can be a blessing, but it can also make like very hard. Enless you are truly prepared for that resposibility, please be careful and take appropriate measures to avoid something you may regret.
What God Does?
What gifts has God given you? Are you tolerant of people like I am? I am too tolerant. I am smart, independent and careful, but absolutely terrible at second guessing myself. Mainly because I am trying to figure out which path God is pushing me to take. Though maybe he is trying to see which path I do choose on my own and they will punish, or reward me accordingly. I don't know. God is so out there, I really shouldn't spend so much time thinking about things that shouldn't matter. But they do matter because something I do today could set up or tear down a chance for me in heaven with my heavenly Father.
God blesses us daily multiple times. I don't even want to think of the things he did for me today, it'd be a huge list. And you can bet damn right I took everyone of those for granted, starting with just waking up this morning. It was such a nice day. Thank God, Amen.
God blesses us daily multiple times. I don't even want to think of the things he did for me today, it'd be a huge list. And you can bet damn right I took everyone of those for granted, starting with just waking up this morning. It was such a nice day. Thank God, Amen.
Real Life Type Sh*t
So I have been talking to this guy so to say. I have gone so far with him, yet not all the way yet. For the past year I have been so proud to say "Oh I'm a MegaVirgin." I hadn't kissed a guy. I was a tease. I mean, I still am a tease, but maybe not so much with this one guy. I don't know why. I don't know if I actually like him. I don't want to regret this. I don't want him to take advantage. I don't want him to play games with me. I want to be so careful, but I also want to give him something more. I don't want him to stop talking to me.
I have mixed feelings so hard. I want to go back to not liking any guys. I want to go back to harmless flirty. I don't want to think about sex. I don't want to think of a kiss. I don't want to think of someone like this. It is so crazy. I have too much tolerance and I think I might be giving it to a person who don't deserve it.
But I want to like him so bad. I feel this kid needs some good caring feelngs. I feel I could try and be that person. But I hate feeling pressured to do things when I'm alone with him. Some of the things he says and does are sketchy. He is also not someone would particularly call a "good boy." He's def a bad boy. When ever someone hear's me talk about him they say, "He's funny." Well yeah. That's the definition of a bad boy. Hm.. I mean again with my tolerance, I don't agree with what he does, but I have heard his reason and I guess I just understand his logic. Of course I think he is wrong, but I'm not going to be rude about it. Tolerance and care. That's how I am. I honestly think I'm one of the best people in the word because of some of the gifts God has given me to deal with people. I may not be very social and slightly awkward, but I think I do truly enjoy people just they way they are.
There is this other guy though and he stay trying to hit me up. I do respond, but I don't know why. I really don't want to talk to him, but he is friends with the other guy. And he keeps saying stuff like, "Dang if he wasn't my dude." "Really wish I could tell you shit." "Wish you'd give me a chance. You're looking in the wrong place." I don't know if he is really trynna warn me because he knows some bullshit or if he is just jealous.
But everytime he hits me up, he just annoys me. I don't want to talk to him. I want him to go away. I feel like it's just wrong there. He seems like a real nice guy and all, but I don't think I can like him like that.
Maybe it's because he's white. Yes you are allowed to laugh, because, yes, I am white. I don't know what it is, but I have not liked a white guy since the first guy I dated. Since then my other ex's were black and then I have tried talking to other white guys, but I don't know. I just don't see them as more than a friend usually.
But back to the issue at hand, I can't make up my mind. It's so crazy with this guy. I don't know how to deal. I had talked to him before in the past, but now it seems a little different, but maybe it's not and I'm just fooling myself. But I think God really has put him back here with me, but I'm not sure why. Or maybe I'm crazy. And I am clearly terrible at second guessing myself.
I have mixed feelings so hard. I want to go back to not liking any guys. I want to go back to harmless flirty. I don't want to think about sex. I don't want to think of a kiss. I don't want to think of someone like this. It is so crazy. I have too much tolerance and I think I might be giving it to a person who don't deserve it.
But I want to like him so bad. I feel this kid needs some good caring feelngs. I feel I could try and be that person. But I hate feeling pressured to do things when I'm alone with him. Some of the things he says and does are sketchy. He is also not someone would particularly call a "good boy." He's def a bad boy. When ever someone hear's me talk about him they say, "He's funny." Well yeah. That's the definition of a bad boy. Hm.. I mean again with my tolerance, I don't agree with what he does, but I have heard his reason and I guess I just understand his logic. Of course I think he is wrong, but I'm not going to be rude about it. Tolerance and care. That's how I am. I honestly think I'm one of the best people in the word because of some of the gifts God has given me to deal with people. I may not be very social and slightly awkward, but I think I do truly enjoy people just they way they are.
There is this other guy though and he stay trying to hit me up. I do respond, but I don't know why. I really don't want to talk to him, but he is friends with the other guy. And he keeps saying stuff like, "Dang if he wasn't my dude." "Really wish I could tell you shit." "Wish you'd give me a chance. You're looking in the wrong place." I don't know if he is really trynna warn me because he knows some bullshit or if he is just jealous.
But everytime he hits me up, he just annoys me. I don't want to talk to him. I want him to go away. I feel like it's just wrong there. He seems like a real nice guy and all, but I don't think I can like him like that.
Maybe it's because he's white. Yes you are allowed to laugh, because, yes, I am white. I don't know what it is, but I have not liked a white guy since the first guy I dated. Since then my other ex's were black and then I have tried talking to other white guys, but I don't know. I just don't see them as more than a friend usually.
But back to the issue at hand, I can't make up my mind. It's so crazy with this guy. I don't know how to deal. I had talked to him before in the past, but now it seems a little different, but maybe it's not and I'm just fooling myself. But I think God really has put him back here with me, but I'm not sure why. Or maybe I'm crazy. And I am clearly terrible at second guessing myself.
08 May, 2012
S.E.X. A Boy's Secret
Guys only want one thing. Don't deny it because it's true. They only want SEX. But I'd like to ask why? Why do they want sex so bad? The answer is because they want it. Not sex. They want love.
Boys will be boys. They find love in sports, cars, drinking, and smoking. But those things don't love back. So then they finally get sick of it. They turn to what they know they should want. A girl, a lady, a woman, but then he unconciously realizes he doesn't know how to love her. He's never had to love anything real with its own feelings. So what does he come with? Sex. That's the way he loves, or so he thought that is the way he would love her. He thought that was the way he would love something with feelings, but because he has never loved anything with feeling before he is used to loving the thing that can't love back, which is sex. Which means basically means he is no longer in love with the girl, he's in love with sex. That is why a guy only wants that one thing.
Boys will be boys. They find love in sports, cars, drinking, and smoking. But those things don't love back. So then they finally get sick of it. They turn to what they know they should want. A girl, a lady, a woman, but then he unconciously realizes he doesn't know how to love her. He's never had to love anything real with its own feelings. So what does he come with? Sex. That's the way he loves, or so he thought that is the way he would love her. He thought that was the way he would love something with feelings, but because he has never loved anything with feeling before he is used to loving the thing that can't love back, which is sex. Which means basically means he is no longer in love with the girl, he's in love with sex. That is why a guy only wants that one thing.
29 April, 2012
Still Hoping When The Water's Rough
Well it's not easy to say that the past few weeks have not been the greatest. I have heard so many people say they are done. Though, I'm always stuck wondering what they are done with? I mean there is a difference between being done, giving up, and saying it's over. To be quite honest I'm done too. I'm done with fighting about things that shouldn't even matter. I don't get why little things are such a big deal. You know people make mistakes. You know people change. So when those things happen to people have to act like it is the end of the world? Because I can assure you it's not.
They say when bad things happen you find out who your friends are. I am trying so hard not to let that saying get to me. I am not one to let go of friends so easily. I will try and try and try over and over. But it seems like I carry a lot of everything. I don't think I'm wrong when I say I was the one who kept us all together. I still do... I was the one who planned out nights. And I am usually the one who has to be the first to talk. I've learned to accept this I guess. It's just my job with my little group. It is a tiring job though and I think it's taken for granted. Don't think I'm complaining though. I'm just saying what I think and what seems to be real.
It's sad when you're at a party and they're asking where you're friends are and you say "All my friends hate me or live to far away." They laughed, I even laughed, because that doesn't sound right. Friends that hate you? Well maybe they don't hate me, but I surely don't feel any love.
I've been acquiring more freedom. Being sixteen, almost seventeen, and having a license gives you that. Freedom. I'm not attached to anyone. I'm just being me. I like to socialize and be chill. It's about to be summer and I need to have something to do. I'm ready for fun and like I said I'm done with fighting. Yes, I am a little selfish in the fact that I want to do what I want. But I also have given people their space. I do think we need more time together, though. I want this summer to be like last summer but even better!
They say when bad things happen you find out who your friends are. I am trying so hard not to let that saying get to me. I am not one to let go of friends so easily. I will try and try and try over and over. But it seems like I carry a lot of everything. I don't think I'm wrong when I say I was the one who kept us all together. I still do... I was the one who planned out nights. And I am usually the one who has to be the first to talk. I've learned to accept this I guess. It's just my job with my little group. It is a tiring job though and I think it's taken for granted. Don't think I'm complaining though. I'm just saying what I think and what seems to be real.
It's sad when you're at a party and they're asking where you're friends are and you say "All my friends hate me or live to far away." They laughed, I even laughed, because that doesn't sound right. Friends that hate you? Well maybe they don't hate me, but I surely don't feel any love.
I've been acquiring more freedom. Being sixteen, almost seventeen, and having a license gives you that. Freedom. I'm not attached to anyone. I'm just being me. I like to socialize and be chill. It's about to be summer and I need to have something to do. I'm ready for fun and like I said I'm done with fighting. Yes, I am a little selfish in the fact that I want to do what I want. But I also have given people their space. I do think we need more time together, though. I want this summer to be like last summer but even better!
15 April, 2012
Amen On Monday
I feel the need to share about the past Monday. I was wanting to share this information with my pastor because he kind of inspired my actions but I was not yet able to. Though I hope to eventually share this day with him.
Monday I did not have school. The weekend before was a hard one, where it seeemed that the weight of the world was on my shoulders and everything I said or did was being judged very harshly.
My mother had taken off work so I was able to take the car. I had made up my mind late Saturday night I would go out and be alone to spend time with God to figure out what I was supposed to do next. My sister had missed the bus so I took her to school. It wasn't until maybe 1 when I was actually able to be alone.
I got in the car. I had my purse, phone on silent, and the bible with me. I turned on the Christian radio station and while I was driving to my first destination, which was the baseball fields, I listened to the words of the song and almost immediately started crying.
"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know, I'll never, ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said, He said
~He Said ft Chris August-Group 1 Crew
Those are the words I heard and I turned the music up louder and drove slower. I was trying to hold back the tears so I could still see to drive. I got to the baseball fields and turned to music up louder and parked the car. I opened the windows a little to let the breeze hit me lightly. I opened up the bible and started reading. I opened up and read several things. One of the quotes I shared on facebook was this:
"I will give thanks to the Lord
because of his righteousness
and will sing praise to the name
of the Lord Most High." Psalms 7:17
That is just a small portion of what I read. I read even more in Psalms. Then I left to the park. I parked and walked over to the pond. Next to the pond is a tree stump that I sit on. This stump is kind of a place of peace and good memories for me. So I sat there and I started to pray out loud to God. I watched the ducks. There were some people there but not many. I kind of hoped they could not hear me and think I was crazy. I prayed first for my family: Delani, Devin, Desirae, Momma, and Daddy. Then I prayed for my best friends: Samvee, Keran, Tiffany, and Marissa. Then I took liberty to pray for these two guys I know and even one more person that I have not talked to in almost two years. I was crying. Except I think they were more hopeful tears.
I don't think I cried true sad tears. They were happy tears. They were hopeful tears. I held a lot of faith and admiration for God that day. It was so nice outside that day and I knew I was blessed to have the family and friends I did. I remain inspired by that day even a week after.
I say Amen to that.
Monday I did not have school. The weekend before was a hard one, where it seeemed that the weight of the world was on my shoulders and everything I said or did was being judged very harshly.
My mother had taken off work so I was able to take the car. I had made up my mind late Saturday night I would go out and be alone to spend time with God to figure out what I was supposed to do next. My sister had missed the bus so I took her to school. It wasn't until maybe 1 when I was actually able to be alone.
I got in the car. I had my purse, phone on silent, and the bible with me. I turned on the Christian radio station and while I was driving to my first destination, which was the baseball fields, I listened to the words of the song and almost immediately started crying.
"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know, I'll never, ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said, He said
~He Said ft Chris August-Group 1 Crew
Those are the words I heard and I turned the music up louder and drove slower. I was trying to hold back the tears so I could still see to drive. I got to the baseball fields and turned to music up louder and parked the car. I opened the windows a little to let the breeze hit me lightly. I opened up the bible and started reading. I opened up and read several things. One of the quotes I shared on facebook was this:
"I will give thanks to the Lord
because of his righteousness
and will sing praise to the name
of the Lord Most High." Psalms 7:17
That is just a small portion of what I read. I read even more in Psalms. Then I left to the park. I parked and walked over to the pond. Next to the pond is a tree stump that I sit on. This stump is kind of a place of peace and good memories for me. So I sat there and I started to pray out loud to God. I watched the ducks. There were some people there but not many. I kind of hoped they could not hear me and think I was crazy. I prayed first for my family: Delani, Devin, Desirae, Momma, and Daddy. Then I prayed for my best friends: Samvee, Keran, Tiffany, and Marissa. Then I took liberty to pray for these two guys I know and even one more person that I have not talked to in almost two years. I was crying. Except I think they were more hopeful tears.
I don't think I cried true sad tears. They were happy tears. They were hopeful tears. I held a lot of faith and admiration for God that day. It was so nice outside that day and I knew I was blessed to have the family and friends I did. I remain inspired by that day even a week after.
I say Amen to that.
11 April, 2012
Learning To Stand Alone
Got to be one of the hardest things to do. Especially when the people you are disagreeing with are people you really care about. They don't even have to be wrong. They may know everything they possibly can and they could be right down to the point of a needle, but you disagree that you are wrong in what you are doing. Though, what if EVERYONE is saying YOU are wrong? How are you going to stand alone? How do you stand up for yourself? Who knows but you? I think no matter what you did wrong or what you think about doing, it's probably what is right for you and you should go with that. Why? Because what if this was not really an idea from you but rather from God. What if this is part of his plan for you? Are you going to listen to your friends, which are only beings of Earth or are you going to listen to God, who is the ruler and maker of Everything. I would want to listen to God. What if I didn't? Who would want to face his rath? That just sounds scary. What if he turned his back to you because you did not listen to him? God is powerful and we all have a right to fear him. So I would like to choose to listen to him. Not only because he can bear my doom but he also holds my hope. So many great things can come from him if we just follow him and do what he says. I just hope I will be able to hear him threw my own thoughts. I am a big thinker. He made me a thinker. Thinkers ask questions, but they never question. If that makes sense. Thinkers only ask questions to try and understand a little better if they are confused which causes a thinker to think even more. That is what I am.
So who are you going to listen to?
So who are you going to listen to?
"I can't be independent without my friends."
I'm not sure how much sense it would make if I said, "I can't be independent without my friends."
I'm sure not everyone could figure out how this might make perfect sense if you're someone like me. I am a person who likes to be around people. I am quiet and it does take me a while sometimes to get past the awkward silence stages, but I like to be around people and laugh. This is why I have my friends. All my friends are so special to me. I like to do my own things though. I give my friends their space and they give me mine. I make my own decisions and have my own path I am chosing to follow. All making me fairly independent, but when I say independent I mainly mean: never needing a guy. I have been single now for almost two and a half years. It has been pretty awesome. I still talk to guys of course but have never gotten attached. Before that I had only three boyfriends which all lasted a week. Don't ask why. I'm not sure why. I guess I just like to be by myself. I am very independent you see.
So now to get to the part where "I can't be independent without my friends" comes in to play. I have my friends there to keep me grounded. I like to have my friends with me when I'm going out to do something. We can always end up making some kind of inside joke and laughing our heads off. But what if I did not have my friends? What if all the girls in my class turned against me? I can't branch off that much, it's not possible with how focused my schedule is. So who would I turn to? Most likely someone of the male persuasion. I don't think I'd get too attached but I would definately not be so independent. I would become dependent on his companionship just to fill the emptiness I would feel from losing all the people I had known.
Now I don't think I am going to lose any of my friends. I'm too stubborn and determined to let that happen. Though, I can't help but analyze my "What If"s.
I'm sure not everyone could figure out how this might make perfect sense if you're someone like me. I am a person who likes to be around people. I am quiet and it does take me a while sometimes to get past the awkward silence stages, but I like to be around people and laugh. This is why I have my friends. All my friends are so special to me. I like to do my own things though. I give my friends their space and they give me mine. I make my own decisions and have my own path I am chosing to follow. All making me fairly independent, but when I say independent I mainly mean: never needing a guy. I have been single now for almost two and a half years. It has been pretty awesome. I still talk to guys of course but have never gotten attached. Before that I had only three boyfriends which all lasted a week. Don't ask why. I'm not sure why. I guess I just like to be by myself. I am very independent you see.
So now to get to the part where "I can't be independent without my friends" comes in to play. I have my friends there to keep me grounded. I like to have my friends with me when I'm going out to do something. We can always end up making some kind of inside joke and laughing our heads off. But what if I did not have my friends? What if all the girls in my class turned against me? I can't branch off that much, it's not possible with how focused my schedule is. So who would I turn to? Most likely someone of the male persuasion. I don't think I'd get too attached but I would definately not be so independent. I would become dependent on his companionship just to fill the emptiness I would feel from losing all the people I had known.
Now I don't think I am going to lose any of my friends. I'm too stubborn and determined to let that happen. Though, I can't help but analyze my "What If"s.
05 April, 2012
Everyone Breaks, Not Everyone Mends What Is Broken
Spring Break. Oh, I don't have anything to do. Filling the time is hard to do when none of my friends who are break as well live near me. Curse you!!
But on a serious note this break has caused me to think about somethings. Actually more like elaborate and make a decision to act on the thoughts I've had for a while. Not a particularly long while but a while.
First off, friends. Goodness a friendship is the best thing you could ever have right. Especially those of the same sex. If you are type of person who has friends only of the opposite sex, I applaud you but I kindly suggest a change.
I want to talk about being close with someone, I guess, and what it means to be best friends. Friends should tell each other things. I don't care how far you are. Distance shouldn't matter. People think because someone moves away that you are just automatically going to lose contact. That doesn't have to be true. It all depends on how committed you are to each other and how much you actually truly care about each other. I care a lot. I don't take losing a friend very easy, especially a close friend. I never have. I hate to see people leave. It is a part of life but there are some people I would really hate to see go. I enjoy all the people God has put in my life and I am blessed. Everyone gives the opportunity of lesson. What that lesson is, is what i have issues with.
I try to be the bigger person. I like people to be able to group together. So I guess I take that on as my job. If I have one friend I like them to know my other friend and them all be able to get along. But you know what is really hard? When you have problems with one friend because of the stuff they say to another mutual friend. I just think that if you have a problem you need to come to me about it, because I will come to you if I have a problem. Which is also why I don't like blogging because I have not been able to talk to her about it.
Because of me going to a different school and focusing my studies, I do believe I have grown up a little and I have changed. I think my friends from my old school have changed as well. In some good ways and some bad ways as well. I think as a whole my friends have become more intuned with their educational abilities, BUT I don't think they have really matured. I hate to say this because I am scared that it will nip me in the butt as soon as I turn around. I think some people have played around with people who are so into drama and that my friend has become a girl who will only stay things behind someone's back and unless asked directly will never, ever say it to your face. That she will just continue on like there is no issue. I mean I guess I could play along but it bothers me too much. Which is why I will address it to her sooner or late. Hopefully sooner. I will do it politely. I just need her to know how I feel.
One other thing I hate is that when something feels like it is falling apart people are so quick to blame the others involved. Always! Before, if ever, they blame themselves. They try to say they are over there and they never talk to me. I will be the FIRST to admit I have left, but you are the one with a busy schedule. Do you know what I do? You are my friend you should know that I do not have a job, I don't have anything but dance on Mondays and Tuesdays. I do absolutely nothing all day. I try to hang and your schedule is busy. I try and try, but always busy. When you are free you are with the same people you see everyday way longer than me. Maybe it's a bit of jealousy seeping through, but not really. Whenever you are doing nothing I never seem to cross your mind. And still you blame me for never being able to hang out. I am totally able, are you?
Saving someone. Do you know what I mean? Get annoyed I don't care. Save someone from hell. I am a Christian and I fully believe in God. I believe that Jesus is Lord and he saved me. Jesus is the only way to heaven. There is no other God. No other religion is right. People can disagree, I don't really care. I don't care because I believe I am right. I do care because I want my fate to be yours as well.
My friends. I know a lot of people that are not Christian. My dad is not. I think he believes somewhat but I don't think he wants to commit to that. I wish he would and I hope he does someday before his time comes. But like I said I know a lot of people who are not. That is what we run into these days. I am thankful that America is the land of the free and I am happy to see cultures come together, but that is what makes me sad as well. People are led into not beleiving in God in that way. We are taught Evolution in schools and I can say it almost brain washed me of what I am told in the Bible. The Bible is the truth and the word. Now I am a person who cares so much about specific people and I don't always show it. Strong sentimental feelings are hard for me to communicate well, but they do exist within me. I love my friends and I want to be able to stand before my Father hand in hand with my friends, my gifts, that he had given me. This dream I am scared will not happen. I don't know what to do though. I know my friends have committer their self to other beliefs. I admire her own strong will and passion for her beliefs, I just wish she would commit and have that passion to my God. I cried once in church because I thought of my dear friend. My best friend. I have prayed a few times for her, but I honestly don't know what else to do.
Rebuilding a long lost friendship. Friendships end everyday I'm sure of it. So it's nothing that you should expect not to happen. Everyone is there to teach you a lesson. I did well in learning that lesson. For other reasons I have stayed away. I like to be in control so when someone I no longer would call a friend would try to talk to me I would almost have a nervous breakdown.
Now, I think I am ready to stop being a hard head. I believe this one person hates me. I do not hate them though. I thank them everyday for what I still have today. My lesson was learned and I'll never make a mistake like that again. I just want things to be more civilized now and less awkward for our mutuals. I do not seek to be best friends or even friends who would talk everyday. Just people who can support each other if needed and something that is more likely to be looked at as admirable. I think not speaking and being as defensive as I have been is a little childish and I do not want to be like that any longer. I want to confront this person somehow. I don't know how, but I want to. I feel it is completely necessary and it is something I must pray about. I need help though with how to do this. How does one start the conversation. There are so many things I would like to say, other things are more things I need to say. I know I want to thank them. I hope they realize I have changed. I also hope they have changed in a positive way. I hope they do not totally resent me. I know it not all completely my fault, but I do take blame for it being so awful the way it ended.
Before I do this I know i need to get other things in order. Like my friendship situation needs to be fixed. I have to try and seek God as to what I should or should not do. I need help. I don't want to make a mistake. This has to be done right. If done wrong I could come of as fake and unsincere. I do not want that. I really feel like this is all stupid and I am sincere. I maybe be without a soul and heartless but my two brains have the most amazing sensitively toward feeling.
So this is what I have been thinking of. Thinking and thinking, look at me always thinking.
But on a serious note this break has caused me to think about somethings. Actually more like elaborate and make a decision to act on the thoughts I've had for a while. Not a particularly long while but a while.
First off, friends. Goodness a friendship is the best thing you could ever have right. Especially those of the same sex. If you are type of person who has friends only of the opposite sex, I applaud you but I kindly suggest a change.
I want to talk about being close with someone, I guess, and what it means to be best friends. Friends should tell each other things. I don't care how far you are. Distance shouldn't matter. People think because someone moves away that you are just automatically going to lose contact. That doesn't have to be true. It all depends on how committed you are to each other and how much you actually truly care about each other. I care a lot. I don't take losing a friend very easy, especially a close friend. I never have. I hate to see people leave. It is a part of life but there are some people I would really hate to see go. I enjoy all the people God has put in my life and I am blessed. Everyone gives the opportunity of lesson. What that lesson is, is what i have issues with.
I try to be the bigger person. I like people to be able to group together. So I guess I take that on as my job. If I have one friend I like them to know my other friend and them all be able to get along. But you know what is really hard? When you have problems with one friend because of the stuff they say to another mutual friend. I just think that if you have a problem you need to come to me about it, because I will come to you if I have a problem. Which is also why I don't like blogging because I have not been able to talk to her about it.
Because of me going to a different school and focusing my studies, I do believe I have grown up a little and I have changed. I think my friends from my old school have changed as well. In some good ways and some bad ways as well. I think as a whole my friends have become more intuned with their educational abilities, BUT I don't think they have really matured. I hate to say this because I am scared that it will nip me in the butt as soon as I turn around. I think some people have played around with people who are so into drama and that my friend has become a girl who will only stay things behind someone's back and unless asked directly will never, ever say it to your face. That she will just continue on like there is no issue. I mean I guess I could play along but it bothers me too much. Which is why I will address it to her sooner or late. Hopefully sooner. I will do it politely. I just need her to know how I feel.
One other thing I hate is that when something feels like it is falling apart people are so quick to blame the others involved. Always! Before, if ever, they blame themselves. They try to say they are over there and they never talk to me. I will be the FIRST to admit I have left, but you are the one with a busy schedule. Do you know what I do? You are my friend you should know that I do not have a job, I don't have anything but dance on Mondays and Tuesdays. I do absolutely nothing all day. I try to hang and your schedule is busy. I try and try, but always busy. When you are free you are with the same people you see everyday way longer than me. Maybe it's a bit of jealousy seeping through, but not really. Whenever you are doing nothing I never seem to cross your mind. And still you blame me for never being able to hang out. I am totally able, are you?
Saving someone. Do you know what I mean? Get annoyed I don't care. Save someone from hell. I am a Christian and I fully believe in God. I believe that Jesus is Lord and he saved me. Jesus is the only way to heaven. There is no other God. No other religion is right. People can disagree, I don't really care. I don't care because I believe I am right. I do care because I want my fate to be yours as well.
My friends. I know a lot of people that are not Christian. My dad is not. I think he believes somewhat but I don't think he wants to commit to that. I wish he would and I hope he does someday before his time comes. But like I said I know a lot of people who are not. That is what we run into these days. I am thankful that America is the land of the free and I am happy to see cultures come together, but that is what makes me sad as well. People are led into not beleiving in God in that way. We are taught Evolution in schools and I can say it almost brain washed me of what I am told in the Bible. The Bible is the truth and the word. Now I am a person who cares so much about specific people and I don't always show it. Strong sentimental feelings are hard for me to communicate well, but they do exist within me. I love my friends and I want to be able to stand before my Father hand in hand with my friends, my gifts, that he had given me. This dream I am scared will not happen. I don't know what to do though. I know my friends have committer their self to other beliefs. I admire her own strong will and passion for her beliefs, I just wish she would commit and have that passion to my God. I cried once in church because I thought of my dear friend. My best friend. I have prayed a few times for her, but I honestly don't know what else to do.
Rebuilding a long lost friendship. Friendships end everyday I'm sure of it. So it's nothing that you should expect not to happen. Everyone is there to teach you a lesson. I did well in learning that lesson. For other reasons I have stayed away. I like to be in control so when someone I no longer would call a friend would try to talk to me I would almost have a nervous breakdown.
Now, I think I am ready to stop being a hard head. I believe this one person hates me. I do not hate them though. I thank them everyday for what I still have today. My lesson was learned and I'll never make a mistake like that again. I just want things to be more civilized now and less awkward for our mutuals. I do not seek to be best friends or even friends who would talk everyday. Just people who can support each other if needed and something that is more likely to be looked at as admirable. I think not speaking and being as defensive as I have been is a little childish and I do not want to be like that any longer. I want to confront this person somehow. I don't know how, but I want to. I feel it is completely necessary and it is something I must pray about. I need help though with how to do this. How does one start the conversation. There are so many things I would like to say, other things are more things I need to say. I know I want to thank them. I hope they realize I have changed. I also hope they have changed in a positive way. I hope they do not totally resent me. I know it not all completely my fault, but I do take blame for it being so awful the way it ended.
Before I do this I know i need to get other things in order. Like my friendship situation needs to be fixed. I have to try and seek God as to what I should or should not do. I need help. I don't want to make a mistake. This has to be done right. If done wrong I could come of as fake and unsincere. I do not want that. I really feel like this is all stupid and I am sincere. I maybe be without a soul and heartless but my two brains have the most amazing sensitively toward feeling.
So this is what I have been thinking of. Thinking and thinking, look at me always thinking.
Loss of Motivation
I'm not proud to say that I have not worked out at all in two weeks. I have lost motivation. My mind must be some where else. This is what I get for being a Gemini. I get bored easily and it is kind of hard for me to commit and finish what I started. I need to work on that I already know. It's not good to constantly be seeking new things. Though I don't think it's a proactive search, it just happens. I seem to be scared of change when it's forced upon me, but I also seem to quite adaptable.
One change that I am so proud to announce is the upment of my grades. Is that even a word? No? Well then consider it officially made up by me. In elementary school I used to at least get honor roll. Then I reached middle school. I believe in 7th grade my grades stayed pretty high, but 8th grade and they fluctated a lot. Freshman year I don't think was too bad. I know my sophomore year though was very bad. I started off with okay grades but by the end of the year I was receiving C's and D's and only recieving B's in classes like choir. This is my Junior year of high school and I just seemed to be much more focused or something. In the beginning my grades were okay. Though now I am so proud to say that I got straight B's and one A. I have not done that good in years.
What I think has allowed me to be so successful is that I have almost completely stopped talking to guys. Yes I still talk to guys, but it is hard for me to really talk to a guy anymore. Then I have a small circle of friends still that don't cause much trouble. Not to say there is drama because there is but I am able to still do what I need to do.
One change that I am so proud to announce is the upment of my grades. Is that even a word? No? Well then consider it officially made up by me. In elementary school I used to at least get honor roll. Then I reached middle school. I believe in 7th grade my grades stayed pretty high, but 8th grade and they fluctated a lot. Freshman year I don't think was too bad. I know my sophomore year though was very bad. I started off with okay grades but by the end of the year I was receiving C's and D's and only recieving B's in classes like choir. This is my Junior year of high school and I just seemed to be much more focused or something. In the beginning my grades were okay. Though now I am so proud to say that I got straight B's and one A. I have not done that good in years.
What I think has allowed me to be so successful is that I have almost completely stopped talking to guys. Yes I still talk to guys, but it is hard for me to really talk to a guy anymore. Then I have a small circle of friends still that don't cause much trouble. Not to say there is drama because there is but I am able to still do what I need to do.
Wild Ones Found Love
HEY I HEARD YOU WERE A WILD ONE!
Anyone else love that song. Pop music these days. It really makes me want to dance.
It's totally official : I'd go lesbian for Rihanna and if I could trade places with anyone for a day. It would be Cady Groves. Both of them are amazing.
Anyone else love that song. Pop music these days. It really makes me want to dance.
Flo Rida seems to come a long way since "Apple Bottom Jeans"
Rihanna. Like what can you even say about her. She is just so amazing. Her music has changed but I feel she still always stays true to her creative, wild self. I think she is an amazing person as well. I think she has a great heart and a strong soul.
Another artist I really like who I hope will be rising is Cady Groves. If you don't know who she is I'd love to have you check her out.
30 March, 2012
Beads Of A Necklace
Do you think it’s realistic to dream? Is there a purpose? Dreams aren’t reality…a fantasy is just a fantasy right? Or can you make them real? Could all dreams/fantasies be made real if you tried? If you try to make a dream or a fantasy real, is it a dream or a fantasy still, or would you call it a plan? Or a goal? Is it worth it to dream even when you know it is not even possible? Do you think you could purposefully stop dreaming and fantasizing? Is it realistic to always think realistically? Or is it more realistic to have a balance between thinking realistically and dreaming?
This world is crazy. Always making me wonder. I believe that what is real is real here. But call me crazy, I believe that there are other dimensions. I mean the drawings on a paper are 2-dimensional. This world is 3-dimensional, 3-D. What about 4, 5, 7, or 12? You can’t see the other dimensions but they all function, separately but coexistent. I don’t know how many other dimensions there are, but I figure there are at least a good handful. We can’t see them, maybe only slight visions. Maybe that’s where our delusions come from, our nightly dreams and even our nightmares. Just small glimpses of what exists around us, things that are invisible. All controlled by one being above us all, one who connects them all by a thin but strong string. The dimensions are beads of a necklace that their creator wears upon its neck. Too bad its creation often chokes its creator, but a creation is like a child doing wrong and doing right, letting you breath then making you hold your breath. Some moments we are breathing so hard and other times our breath is totally lost. It is lost in our dreams and in our realities.
22 March, 2012
Walks With Delani: Crazy Woman in McDonalds
Summer is right around the corner and I have been enjoying this hot spring weather. I have a three old sister and she is the joy in my life I promise you. So I like to take her on walks.
Okay so today I was planning on going to the park with her but I went to Burger King with her. We walked and passed beautiful flowers and a pond. I told her I would throw her in the pond but she said it was yucky. (I totally agree.)
We had a lovely dinner at Burger King, though she was being a brat. Which is just a matter of being three. She talks like she's grown. She is a little diva girl.
Then we left Burger King and went to McDonalds. I got some ice cream and we sat down. I did not plan on leaving for a while, that was until an old lady walked in. She went over in the corner and set her bag down and sat then loudly asked, "Is it okay if I sit down? Everyone, is it okay is I sit?" I focused my attention on Delani who was climbing a chair. No one answered the lady. There was me and Delani along with a man and his two daughters and then a boy and a girl who came in together. Then she gets up and asks, "Is it okay if I have some coffee everyone?" I think the man had nodded. She said, "It would count on the intellegent one." I looked over at where she had put her bag. This bag is a plastic bag. It looked like it was just a bunch of paper in the bag, but I couldn't tell exactly from how far away I was. Now this lady was looked like she had no teeth and I could swear to you she was on some pills or something. Then she started complaining about something. I decided to leave. I was there with my three year old sister and I wanted to get out of there before she pulled out some dope or possibly a gun. I was a bit freaked out. Maybe the lady just wanted some attention. I mean, she was acting like the floor of McDonalds was some kind of stage. It was crazy.
So we left and had a good rest of the walk home.
Okay so today I was planning on going to the park with her but I went to Burger King with her. We walked and passed beautiful flowers and a pond. I told her I would throw her in the pond but she said it was yucky. (I totally agree.)
We had a lovely dinner at Burger King, though she was being a brat. Which is just a matter of being three. She talks like she's grown. She is a little diva girl.
Then we left Burger King and went to McDonalds. I got some ice cream and we sat down. I did not plan on leaving for a while, that was until an old lady walked in. She went over in the corner and set her bag down and sat then loudly asked, "Is it okay if I sit down? Everyone, is it okay is I sit?" I focused my attention on Delani who was climbing a chair. No one answered the lady. There was me and Delani along with a man and his two daughters and then a boy and a girl who came in together. Then she gets up and asks, "Is it okay if I have some coffee everyone?" I think the man had nodded. She said, "It would count on the intellegent one." I looked over at where she had put her bag. This bag is a plastic bag. It looked like it was just a bunch of paper in the bag, but I couldn't tell exactly from how far away I was. Now this lady was looked like she had no teeth and I could swear to you she was on some pills or something. Then she started complaining about something. I decided to leave. I was there with my three year old sister and I wanted to get out of there before she pulled out some dope or possibly a gun. I was a bit freaked out. Maybe the lady just wanted some attention. I mean, she was acting like the floor of McDonalds was some kind of stage. It was crazy.
So we left and had a good rest of the walk home.
20 March, 2012
Dividing Vines
A bundle of sticks, no real appetite for happiness.
This girl said, "Fuck the work. Shit happens get over it."
If we came from the same vine why is your bloom so different?
Cut off and put in the window for light.
I watch as you turn from pure white to an eye itching red.
You sit there now proud to be growing in the window with me but all your color will fade.
And by the off-white shade you'll be, I will never forget waht you've done.
So you say I have never been colored.
I don't know what those feelings how could I be right?
Because of your words I want to scream and get mad.
I remain calm though, for you are in a fragile state.
Can you not learn with your eyes?
I know our roots will never grow into the soul again.
I know because I have seen others go through the same thing many times.
Don't tell me I do not understand.
I may not know the feeling but I know the situation, the song, the story.
This girl said, "Fuck the work. Shit happens get over it."
If we came from the same vine why is your bloom so different?
Cut off and put in the window for light.
I watch as you turn from pure white to an eye itching red.
You sit there now proud to be growing in the window with me but all your color will fade.
And by the off-white shade you'll be, I will never forget waht you've done.
So you say I have never been colored.
I don't know what those feelings how could I be right?
Because of your words I want to scream and get mad.
I remain calm though, for you are in a fragile state.
Can you not learn with your eyes?
I know our roots will never grow into the soul again.
I know because I have seen others go through the same thing many times.
Don't tell me I do not understand.
I may not know the feeling but I know the situation, the song, the story.
16 March, 2012
Work It Girl
So I've been working out for about a month now. And I'm really proud of myself that I haven't quit.
I have kind of revised my plan and it's really lengthy so I'm only going to say what I do on Sunday, for now. I still use a five pound weight.
I have kind of revised my plan and it's really lengthy so I'm only going to say what I do on Sunday, for now. I still use a five pound weight.
Sunday
1. Standard Crunches, 15 (abs)
2. Push Ups, 15 (shoulders)
3. Bicycles, 15 (abs)
4. Side Wings, 15 (shoulders)
5. Planks, 15 (abs)
6. Frontal Arm Wings, 15 (shoulders)
7. Thigh Lifts, 15 (butt)
8. Arm Press, 15 (shoulders)
9. Leg Kick Backs, 15 (butt)
10. Above the Head Press, 15 (shoulders)
11. Squats, 15 (butt)
*drink*
12. Planks, 30
*drink*
13. Standard Crunches, 15 (abs)
14. Push Ups, 15 (shoulders)
15. Bicycles, 15 (abs)
16. Side Wings, 15 (shoulders)
17. Planks, 30 (abs)
18. Frontal Arm Wings, 15 (shoulders)
19. Thigh Lifts, 15 (butt)
20. Arm Press, 15 (shoulders)
21. Leg Kick Backs, 15 (butt)
22. Above the Head Press, 15 (shoulders)
23. Squats, 15 (butt)
*drink*
24. Planks, 30
*drink*
25. Standard Crunches, 16 (abs)
26. Push Ups, 16 (shoulders)
27. Bicycles, 30 (abs)
28. Side Wings, 16 (shoulders)
29. Planks, 45 (abs)
30. Frontal Arm Wings, 16 (shoulders)
31. Thigh Lifts, 16 (butt)
32. Arm Press, 16 (shoulders)
33. Leg Kick Backs, 16 (butt)
34. Above the Head Press, 16 (shoulders)
35. Squats, 16 (butt)
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