Still Hoping When The Water's Rough

Well it's not easy to say that the past few weeks have not been the greatest. I have heard so many people say they are done. Though, I'm always stuck wondering what they are done with? I mean there is a difference between being done, giving up, and saying it's over. To be quite honest I'm done too. I'm done with fighting about things that shouldn't even matter. I don't get why little things are such a big deal. You know people make mistakes. You know people change. So when those things happen to people have to act like it is the end of the world? Because I can assure you it's not.
They say when bad things happen you find out who your friends are. I am trying so hard not to let that saying get to me. I am not one to let go of friends so easily. I will try and try and try over and over. But it seems like I carry a lot of everything. I don't think I'm wrong when I say I was the one who kept us all together. I still do... I was the one who planned out nights. And I am usually the one who has to be the first to talk. I've learned to accept this I guess. It's just my job with my little group. It is a tiring job though and I think it's taken for granted. Don't think I'm complaining though. I'm just saying what I think and what seems to be real.
It's sad when you're at a party and they're asking where you're friends are and you say "All my friends hate me or live to far away." They laughed, I even laughed, because that doesn't sound right. Friends that hate you? Well maybe they don't hate me, but I surely don't feel any love.
I've been acquiring more freedom. Being sixteen, almost seventeen, and having a license gives you that. Freedom. I'm not attached to anyone. I'm just being me. I like to socialize and be chill. It's about to be summer and I need to have something to do. I'm ready for fun and like I said I'm done with fighting. Yes, I am a little selfish in the fact that I want to do what I want. But I also have given people their space. I do think we need more time together, though. I want this summer to be like last summer but even better!

Amen On Monday

I feel the need to share about the past Monday. I was wanting to share this information with my pastor because he kind of inspired my actions but I was not yet able to. Though I hope to eventually share this day with him.
Monday I did not have school. The weekend before was a hard one, where it seeemed that the weight of the world was on my shoulders and everything I said or did was being judged very harshly.
My mother had taken off work so I was able to take the car. I had made up my mind late Saturday night I would go out and be alone to spend time with God to figure out what I was supposed to do next. My sister had missed the bus so I took her to school. It wasn't until maybe 1 when I was actually able to be alone.
I got in the car. I had my purse, phone on silent, and the bible with me. I turned on the Christian radio station and while I was driving to my first destination, which was the baseball fields, I listened to the words of the song and almost immediately started crying.

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know, I'll never, ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said, He said
~He Said ft Chris August-Group 1 Crew

Those are the words I heard and I turned the music up louder and drove slower. I was trying to hold back the tears so I could still see to drive. I got to the baseball fields and turned to music up louder and parked the car. I opened the windows a little to let the breeze hit me lightly. I opened up the bible and started reading. I opened up and read several things. One of the quotes I shared on facebook was this:

"I will give thanks to the Lord
because of his righteousness
and will sing praise to the name
of the Lord Most High." Psalms 7:17

That is just a small portion of what I read. I read even more in Psalms. Then I left to the park. I parked and walked over to the pond. Next to the pond is a tree stump that I sit on. This stump is kind of a place of peace and good memories for me. So I sat there and I started to pray out loud to God. I watched the ducks. There were some people there but not many. I kind of hoped they could not hear me and think I was crazy. I prayed first for my family: Delani, Devin, Desirae, Momma, and Daddy. Then I prayed for my best friends: Samvee, Keran, Tiffany, and Marissa. Then I took liberty to pray for these two guys I know and even one more person that I have not talked to in almost two years. I was crying. Except I think they were more hopeful tears.
I don't think I cried true sad tears. They were happy tears. They were hopeful tears. I held a lot of faith and admiration for God that day. It was so nice outside that day and I knew I was blessed to have the family and friends I did. I remain inspired by that day even a week after.
I say Amen to that.

Learning To Stand Alone

Got to be one of the hardest things to do. Especially when the people you are disagreeing with are people you really care about. They don't even have to be wrong. They may know everything they possibly can and they could be right down to the point of a needle, but you disagree that you are wrong in what you are doing. Though, what if EVERYONE is saying YOU are wrong? How are you going to stand alone? How do you stand up for yourself? Who knows but you? I think no matter what you did wrong or what you think about doing, it's probably what is right for you and you should go with that. Why? Because what if this was not really an idea from you but rather from God. What if this is part of his plan for you? Are you going to listen to your friends, which are only beings of Earth or are you going to listen to God, who is the ruler and maker of Everything. I would want to listen to God. What if I didn't? Who would want to face his rath? That just sounds scary. What if he turned his back to you because you did not listen to him? God is powerful and we all have a right to fear him. So I would like to choose to listen to him. Not only because he can bear my doom but he also holds my hope. So many great things can come from him if we just follow him and do what he says. I just hope I will be able to hear him threw my own thoughts. I am a big thinker. He made me a thinker. Thinkers ask questions, but they never question. If that makes sense. Thinkers only ask questions to try and understand a little better if they are confused which causes a thinker to think even more. That is what I am.
So who are you going to listen to?

"I can't be independent without my friends."

I'm not sure how much sense it would make if I said, "I can't be independent without my friends."
I'm sure not everyone could figure out how this might make perfect sense if you're someone like me. I am a person who likes to be around people. I am quiet and it does take me a while sometimes to get past the awkward silence stages, but I like to be around people and laugh. This is why I have my friends. All my friends are so special to me. I like to do my own things though. I give my friends their space and they give me mine. I make my own decisions and have my own path I am chosing to follow. All making me fairly independent, but when I say independent I mainly mean: never needing a guy. I have been single now for almost two and a half years. It has been pretty awesome. I still talk to guys of course but have never gotten attached. Before that I had only three boyfriends which all lasted a week. Don't ask why. I'm not sure why. I guess I just like to be by myself. I am very independent you see.
So now to get to the part where "I can't be independent without my friends" comes in to play. I have my friends there to keep me grounded. I like to have my friends with me when I'm going out to do something. We can always end up making some kind of inside joke and laughing our heads off. But what if I did not have my friends? What if all the girls in my class turned against me? I can't branch off that much, it's not possible with how focused my schedule is. So who would I turn to? Most likely someone of the male persuasion. I don't think I'd get too attached but I would definately not be so independent. I would become dependent on his companionship just to fill the emptiness I would feel from losing all the people I had known.
Now I don't think I am going to lose any of my friends. I'm too stubborn and determined to let that happen. Though, I can't help but analyze my "What If"s.

Everyone Breaks, Not Everyone Mends What Is Broken

Spring Break. Oh, I don't have anything to do. Filling the time is hard to do when none of my friends who are break as well live near me. Curse you!!
But on a serious note this break has caused me to think about somethings. Actually more like elaborate and make a decision to act on the thoughts I've had for a while. Not a particularly long while but a while.


First off, friends. Goodness a friendship is the best thing you could ever have right. Especially those of the same sex. If you are type of person who has friends only of the opposite sex, I applaud you but I kindly suggest a change.
I want to talk about being close with someone, I guess, and what it means to be best friends. Friends should tell each other things. I don't care how far you are. Distance shouldn't matter. People think because someone moves away that you are just automatically going to lose contact. That doesn't have to be true. It all depends on how committed you are to each other and how much you actually truly care about each other. I care a lot. I don't take losing a friend very easy, especially a close friend. I never have. I hate to see people leave. It is a part of life but there are some people I would really hate to see go. I enjoy all the people God has put in my life and I am blessed. Everyone gives the opportunity of lesson. What that lesson is, is what i have issues with.
I try to be the bigger person. I like people to be able to group together. So I guess I take that on as my job. If I have one friend I like them to know my other friend and them all be able to get along. But you know what is really hard? When you have problems with one friend because of the stuff they say to another mutual friend. I just think that if you have a problem you need to come to me about it, because I will come to you if I have a problem. Which is also why I don't like blogging because I have not been able to talk to her about it.
Because of me going to a different school and focusing my studies, I do believe I have grown up a little and I have changed. I think my friends from my old school have changed as well. In some good ways and some bad ways as well. I think as a whole my friends have become more intuned with their educational abilities, BUT I don't think they have really matured. I hate to say this because I am scared that it will nip me in the butt as soon as I turn around. I think some people have played around with people who are so into drama and that my friend has become a girl who will only stay things behind someone's back and unless asked directly will never, ever say it to your face. That she will just continue on like there is no issue. I mean I guess I could play along but it bothers me too much. Which is why I will address it to her sooner or late. Hopefully sooner. I will do it politely. I just need her to know how I feel.


One other thing I hate is that when something feels like it is falling apart people are so quick to blame the others involved. Always! Before, if ever, they blame themselves. They try to say they are over there and they never talk to me. I will be the FIRST to admit I have left, but you are the one with a busy schedule. Do you know what I do? You are my friend you should know that I do not have a job, I don't have anything but dance on Mondays and Tuesdays. I do absolutely nothing all day. I try to hang and your schedule is busy. I try and try, but always busy. When you are free you are with the same people you see everyday way longer than me. Maybe it's a bit of jealousy seeping through, but not really. Whenever you are doing nothing I never seem to cross your mind. And still you blame me for never being able to hang out. I am totally able, are you?


Saving someone. Do you know what I mean? Get annoyed I don't care. Save someone from hell. I am a Christian and I fully believe in God. I believe that Jesus is Lord and he saved me. Jesus is the only way to heaven. There is no other God. No other religion is right. People can disagree, I don't really care. I don't care because I believe I am right. I do care because I want my fate to be yours as well.
My friends. I know a lot of people that are not Christian. My dad is not. I think he believes somewhat but I don't think he wants to commit to that. I wish he would and I hope he does someday before his time comes. But like I said I know a lot of people who are not. That is what we run into these days. I am thankful that America is the land of the free and I am happy to see cultures come together, but that is what makes me sad as well. People are led into not beleiving in God in that way. We are taught Evolution in schools and I can say it almost brain washed me of what I am told in the Bible. The Bible is the truth and the word. Now I am a person who cares so much about specific people and I don't always show it. Strong sentimental feelings are hard for me to communicate well, but they do exist within me. I love my friends and I want to be able to stand before my Father hand in hand with my friends, my gifts, that he had given me. This dream I am scared will not happen. I don't know what to do though. I know my friends have committer their self to other beliefs. I admire her own strong will and passion for her beliefs, I just wish she would commit and have that passion to my God. I cried once in church because I thought of my dear friend. My best friend. I have prayed a few times for her, but I honestly don't know what else to do.


Rebuilding a long lost friendship. Friendships end everyday I'm sure of it. So it's nothing that you should expect not to happen. Everyone is there to teach you a lesson. I did well in learning that lesson. For other reasons I have stayed away. I like to be in control so when someone I no longer would call a friend would try to talk to me I would almost have a nervous breakdown.
Now, I think I am ready to stop being a hard head. I believe this one person hates me. I do not hate them though. I thank them everyday for what I still have today. My lesson was learned and I'll never make a mistake like that again. I just want things to be more civilized now and less awkward for our mutuals. I do not seek to be best friends or even friends who would talk everyday. Just people who can support each other if needed and something that is more likely to be looked at as admirable. I think not speaking and being as defensive as I have been is a little childish and I do not want to be like that any longer. I want to confront this person somehow. I don't know how, but I want to. I feel it is completely necessary and it is something I must pray about. I need help though with how to do this. How does one start the conversation. There are so many things I would like to say, other things are more things I need to say. I know I want to thank them. I hope they realize I have changed. I also hope they have changed in a positive way. I hope they do not totally resent me. I know it not all completely my fault, but I do take blame for it being so awful the way it ended.
Before I do this I know i need to get other things in order. Like my friendship situation needs to be fixed. I have to try and seek God as to what I should or should not do. I need help. I don't want to make a mistake. This has to be done right. If done wrong I could come of as fake and unsincere. I do not want that. I really feel like this is all stupid and I am sincere. I maybe be without a soul and heartless but my two brains have the most amazing sensitively toward feeling.


So this is what I have been thinking of. Thinking and thinking, look at me always thinking.

Loss of Motivation

I'm not proud to say that I have not worked out at all in two weeks. I have lost motivation. My mind must be some where else. This is what I get for being a Gemini. I get bored easily and it is kind of hard for me to commit and finish what I started. I need to work on that I already know. It's not good to constantly be seeking new things. Though I don't think it's a proactive search, it just happens. I seem to be scared of change when it's forced upon me, but I also seem to quite adaptable.

One change that I am so proud to announce is the upment of my grades. Is that even a word? No? Well then consider it officially made up by me. In elementary school I used to at least get honor roll. Then I reached middle school. I believe in 7th grade my grades stayed pretty high, but 8th grade and they fluctated a lot. Freshman year I don't think was too bad. I know my sophomore year though was very bad. I started off with okay grades but by the end of the year I was receiving C's and D's and only recieving B's in classes like choir. This is my Junior year of high school and I just seemed to be much more focused or something. In the beginning my grades were okay. Though now I am so proud to say that I got straight B's and one A. I have not done that good in years.
What I think has allowed me to be so successful is that I have almost completely stopped talking to guys. Yes I still talk to guys, but it is hard for me to really talk to a guy anymore. Then I have a small circle of friends still that don't cause much trouble. Not to say there is drama because there is but I am able to still do what I need to do.

Wild Ones Found Love

HEY I HEARD YOU WERE A WILD ONE!

Anyone else love that song. Pop music these days. It really makes me want to dance.

Flo Rida seems to come a long way since "Apple Bottom Jeans"

Rihanna. Like what can you even say about her. She is just so amazing. Her music has changed but I feel she still always stays true to her creative, wild self. I think she is an amazing person as well. I think she has a great heart and a strong soul.

Another artist I really like who I hope will be rising is Cady Groves. If you don't know who she is I'd love to have you check her out.

It's totally official : I'd go lesbian for Rihanna and if I could trade places with anyone for a day. It would be Cady Groves. Both of them are amazing.