A Million Dollar Coin Toss

Imagine having a million pennies thrown up into the air. That's ten thousand dollars. That could be worth a little something something, no? Well, would you throw that all up in the air if you knew that there was a possiblity that all of those pennies would float above your head out of reach, not knowing how long it would be before they would fall back down? And if they ever did fall back down, what was the garatee that you would be able to retrieve them all yourself?
I don't think many people would do that when you put it like that, but many people do that everyday. I am one of those people. In our minds, maybe on a piece of paper, we all have a plan. A plan for our future. A plan as far as what we want as far as goal and what things we want to achieve, and/or what we'll do with our friend. For a long time we hold all of those plans to such a high standard and are so proud. Then all of a sudden, something happens, something comes along and for some reason we throw our plans out the window. We hardly think of our plans we had and we make a new plan, but often that plan is a day by day plan. Then another (often terrible) thing happens and we are lost not knowing what to do. We threw away our old plan and this new plan to live day by day has messed up your thought process. You are so confused on what to do. Do you try to hold on to this new way of life or try to start over on the plan you had before that you thought seemed to work so well? But if it really worked so well, why did you throw it away? So is it better to live day by day or have a plan for the year, or the next up coming years?
If you have a good understanding of what I am talking about maybe you can relate to wanting to go back to the old plan, but you can't. Why can't you? Well because you've changed. Maybe living day by day taught you things that when having a plan you lost track of. Like having real feelings. You know those extreme feelings. Where you cry you're eyes out or scream your head off when you're angry. Or like how to relate to people, have fun, and enjoy life more. It's hard to find a balance of planning when you just want to let go and let things roll.
Another reason you can't go back to your original plan, is maybe you just did somethings you can't undo. You lived day by day and did things that were the complete opposite direction you were going in before. You grew into that life style, so how do you go back after that? It's a hard answer to come to and I can't give that answer. Why? Because that answer is different for everyone.
Why do I bring up this subject, well because that's what I'm currently going through. Life has many different phases and right now my pennies are up in the air. My pennies are high, high up in the air. I'm scared to see where they will fall. I want to go back to my original plan, but I really can't. I have done things that I can't undo and I have learned things that I don't want to forget.
So my advice is: If you have a plan revise it for more freedom. If you live day by day, make a plan. Find a balance before you throw your pennies.

The Screaming

Seventeen is a dream enough but to have someone you are so comfortable with. After the parties we go back to his place. His stepdad though is not always the kindest. He just doesn't like girls in his house I suppose. I was on my lovers back giving him a massage. I'm good at those and after a late night of action I would love to hilp him relax. Then all of a sudden we hear a scream. This scream was probably the worst kind of painful, fearful scream you could hear in a little dream. My lover picked up his phone and checked it. The text was from his mom. I sat off to the side of him while he read the text trying to figure out what to do. All the while you could hear yelling from his stepdad, and his mom crying and screaming. Oh, that terrible scream. Finally the screaming stopped, but then all you heard was crying and his stepdad continuing to yell. So my lover decided he was going to go down to check up on his mom. I laid down and chilled under the covers on his bed. But his stepdad met him down at the bottom of the stairs. He just starts going off "Is that girl still here?" then he looks up and looks me dead in eye then he continues going off. "I thought so. You said you were taking her home! All you do is fuck bitches. You want to fuck 151 bitches and last year, your Junior year you fucked 142 bitches. And most of them not one at a time." And he just continues to go off.

Strong Wondering

What is going on between us? Maybe he did change his mind, he changed it quick. Maybe there was something but now maybe he turns the switch on and off. All because I possibly bent the trust he had in me. I proved that no matter how good you were you could still say and do such terrible things. But was it really that bad? I don't really think so, but I'm sure it hurt him.
But now it's like...
He won't kiss me in front of anyone. He had kissed me in front of his mom, he had kissed me at prom and in front of his friends.
We used to talk for hours and now it's like we don't talk at all.
He won't hold my hand in public, but he used to.
And I feel like I can't touch him in public with out feeling like he's mentally shrugging me off.
Though all those things used to happen. He had kissed me, he held my hand and we really used to talk a lot through text. Then again, that was all before we had our fight..
Still we been talking for 5 months. I just wish he'd tel me what's up. And I still wonder what his mom thinks. I hate feeling like everyone is being blind sided, including myself.